“Calling In” instead of “Cancelling Out”

The book is packed with empathy, honesty and experience.  Speaking from her own life, Ross notes that the first person she often has to call in is herself, observing her own anger, and asking herself if she’s able to act from a place of love in a given situation.  Sometimes we’re not the right person to call someone else in, and we have to leave that opportunity for another. 

From her decades working in the progressive change movement she tells of watching change momentum dissipate when a coalition saw the growth of infighting and internal judgements of others that shifted the focus from the changes everyone could agree to work towards to the areas of difference.  Her chapter on being strategic addresses the importance of focusing on the agreement, building trust where we can, and being respectful in those partnerships despite disagreements.  If we agree with someone else on only 25% of our agenda, we can still collaborate on that 25%.

The book is, in essence, a calling in of our best selves.  It’s a reminder that the vast majority of us see ourselves as good and loving people who want to have a positive effect on the world.  It’s just that sometimes that loving self is not who shows up.  When she invites us to model the world we desire, in a chapter by that name, she shares her own experience doing so when she answered the phone to hear the spokesperson for the Aryan Nation seeking help leaving the Aryan Nations group.  She transparently shares her own struggles, her misgivings, and her realization that if she wants to invite others to change she has to be willing to open her own heart to similar changes.

While her focus is social change, I found her wisdom on navigating difficulties highly relevant for personal relationships.  A good friend of mine once said that all relationships are ongoing cycles of breakage and repair, breakage and repair. And Ross provides helpful suggestions for the repair, beginning with a focus on self-knowledge: what personal hurts and triggers are activating me in this situation, Is my heart ready for this conversation, and am I grounded. 

The chapter on calling in techniques provides 5 clear steps:

1. Start with the self is about calming yourself, being ready to engage with love. 

2. Calibrate the conflict highlights the importance of not jumping to conclusions about what you think the speaker means and using curiosity instead to really understand the situation

3. Approach with love is about taking care not to approach until we can do it with love.

4. Accept the reaction acknowledges the importance of releasing expectations and the story in our heads and receiving gracefully and with love whatever the other shares. 

5. Reach a resolution is about appreciating and accepting where someone is, being willing to state factually if someone has violated group and individual agreements, and giving examples of what would work instead. 

Practicing these skills in our closest relationships and with the added dimension of dialogue gives us the opportunity to learn, fall short and try again in the context of committed relationships.  

Building these skills in our committed relationships provides a foundation for practicing and applying them in the wider world.