Planning our Pleasure

Planning Our Pleasure:

An Activity of Pattern Noticing for Couples

Sometimes we learn a lot by paying attention to the small moments of our everyday lives. In this exercise, “Planning Our Pleasure,” we invite you, as a couple, to notice how you create small joys together.

STEP 1. Think back over the last 2–3 months and remember three or more times when you chose something pleasurable to do together that didn’t require big planning—things like going out to eat, taking a walk, watching a movie at home, visiting a museum, having a cozy cuddle, or spending time with friends.

STEP 2. Gently notice any patterns in how those decisions happened, without judging yourselves.
You might ask: Who usually brings up ideas? Do these plans emerge naturally or through more intentional conversations? Do you use certain words or signals to show interest? Do these conversations feel easy, or are there moments that get a bit sticky?

STEP 3. Choose one pattern and take turns talking about how it feels.
The speaker can begin with:
“When I notice our pattern of [fill in the blank], I feel [emotion] because [the story or meaning that comes up for you].”
The listener reflects back what they hear until the speaker feels understood. Then switch roles and let the other person share their feelings about this or another pattern.

Submitted by Marsha and Michael Green, 11/2025