Listening as a superpower

When we introduced ourselves and explained our background with FCE, I shared one of my motivations for signing up for our first retreat: that I hoped the workshop would help me win more arguments with Gene!  I didn’t exactly expect that the other couples would wink at me to show their agreement with my side of things, but maybe something like that.

Instead, I learned that in witnessed couple dialogues, witnesses do not pick sides. And the funny thing is that when I got to listen to what Gene was feeling in a witnessed dialogue, I didn’t have the urge to win. I was freed from the concept of defending my side against his.

Listening gave me a chance to watch Gene figure out what he was feeling about a situation. And space enough to notice how his hopes and fears were impacting his feelings. Knowing the complexity of his experience made me feel less alone with the problem and far less adversarial. I felt more deeply how our problems don’t have two distinct sides. There are so many layers of emotions, hopes, fears, and stories embedded into any given situation.

It was a joy to witness Gene discover more about his deeper feelings. I didn’t have to make them go away or fix his problems. Or prove I know the exact right thing to say. Or defend my position. I simply listened for understanding with a room full of witnesses who held the space. What an incredible relief!

Since that first workshop, the practice of dialogue has become a fixture in our marriage. I rarely feel that strong urge to “win” these days because I know Gene is listening. And we also notice how our dialogue practice spills over into how we communicate with our family, friends, and coworkers. We both share this practice with people and look for opportunities to talk about how much the practice of witnessed couple dialogue has impacted our lives, like the skill sharing presentation for teens I started with above.

Watching those high school students practice reflective listening, I noticed the way they relaxed with each other and seemed so curious to learn more. What were they expecting to experience? I’m not sure. But I hope they were surprised by noticing how listening builds goodwill and allows you to forget about proving your point.

What are your expectations about an FCE workshop? Or a second (or third) workshop? Are you ready to be surprised at the gifts that experiencing witnessed couple dialogue will offer you?