Wabi sabi love

Examples of "imperfections" include snoring, . . . spending or saving style, tidiness, slovenliness, workaholism, and adultery. 

ANECDOTES

The author offers multiple anecdotes of couples who enriched or saved their relationships with this idea. Some examples of "imperfections" (as judged by one of the partners) in these stories include: snoring, sports or shopping obsessions, parenting style, spending or saving style, tidiness, slovenliness, workaholism, and adultery.

In one story, a woman decided she had a choice between joining her partner in his passion for football or always being resentful of his unavailability at game time. She responded to this situation by learning the rules of the game, the players and stats, and embracing football fully until it became a shared passion.

In another story, a man brought a chaotic life filled with children, animals, vegetable gardening and other DIY projects into the life of his new partner, who had a lived a tightly controlled and peaceful life till then. Unable to find a quiet moment to herself, she almost left him, till she challenged her own judgements. She reimagined his behaviors as gifts to all and expressions of his authentic wild spirit and she came to celebrate the life and love that came with the craziness into her new home.

Most of the anecdotes in "Wabi Sabi Love" are similar: one partner (usually the woman) adapts to what she had originally found to be an imperfection in her male partner (there are no same-sex examples). In some examples, both partners make changes, and in one example, the couple relocated to a different continent as a recommitment to each other rather than watch their relationship fail due to stress, consumerism, and workaholic life-styles on both sides.

From the vocabulary of Friends Couple Enrichment (FCE), thus, most of the book is demonstrations of what we typically call, "The Four C's of Creative Engagement of Conflict" (which are collaboration, capitulation, compromise, and coexistence). However, what's missing in most of the stories is communication.

The core of FCE is a regular practice of reflective listening, or couple dialogue, within a community of support. In FCE, deep listening and vulnerable sharing is such a fundamental precursor to problem solving that I was surprised to find a book on relationships almost lacking it. As I read "Wabi Sabi Love" I sometimes wondered, "have they tried talking about it?"

It's there, but dialogue is not at the center of "Wabi Sabi Love".

EXERCISES

The book suggests several exercises, including one which does indeed touch on reflective listening. It's called "Truth-Telling." After feeling hurt or judged by your partner you "speak your truth in a few words using 'I' statements. E.g., I felt criticized when ...; I would like you to know that ..." So, it's there, but dialogues is not at the center of "Wabi Sabi Love."

Another exercise, "Getting To Know You," seems worth trying. Paraphrasing the book: "To create ambiance, light a few candles. Hold hands and look into each other's eyes. Take turns whispering in your partner's ear. Tell them where and how you like to be touched in each area of your body. Think carefully before you answer." If either partner feels uncomfortable with this, the author suggests an alternative to get you started. Simply ask, "Is there anything I can do for you now that will make you smile from ear to ear?"

And another exercise, "Reconnecting with Your Love and Clearing Disagreements," may not be as much fun, but ties in perfectly with one of the FCE "Golden Threads: "Continuous expressions of appreciation, affection, intimacy, and sexuality." In "Wabi Sabi Love" the author suggests that you buy a small journal and begin an 'acknowledgement diary.'   "Every time your mate does or says something that you love, appreciate, or feel inspired by, write it in the journal," she says. "Then, on a regular basis, share these acknowledgements by reading the journal out loud or whispering it in his or her ear."

ADVICE

Along with anecdotes and exercises, the book offers many bits of advice. I'll end this review with three of these tidbits:

"Wabi Sabi Love calls for personal responsibility in which we nurture and care for ourselves as well as our partners, in mind, body and spirit."

"You can apply humor, listening, intimacy, and generosity at precisely those moments where you would normally retreat."  

"We can choose happiness, we can choose our attitudes about any given thing, and we can choose to leave a legacy of love, understanding, and compassion in order to impact each other and the planet in a positive, sustainable manner."

For more information about Wabi Sabi Love, visit Arielle Ford's website at www.arielleford.com.