Heart is where the home is

Society often sees long-distance relationships as temporary, something to "fix." But many couples, including my husband and me, have embraced distance as a part of our love story. 

The concept of ‘home’ came up in a recent FCE related discussion. We may think of home as the place where we grew up, or we may consider it the location we foster in our current adult lives.  But when our beloved travels significantly for work, or lives in another city, state, or country, the concept of home stretches and bends.

Society, with its infinite ability to offer unsolicited advice and judgement, often holds an attitude that a long-distance relationship must be a temporary solution. And yet, in more and more of the conversations I have had with couples in long-distance relataionships, the desire couples have to find a central, shared living situation is outweighed by other circumstances and values. 

In our globalized world, many couples may have professions that require them to live in different places for their work, some couples may be separated by the need to take care of family as they age, and some people may have hobbies or even the simple desire to be alone which may place them at a distance from their partner. 

For myself, my husband and I have always had a level of distance in our relationship. Before we married, we lived in different parts of Texas which then turned into a longer distance between Indiana and Texas with only a short time living in the same city. After we were married, although sharing the same physical home, I had about 2 years of nearly constant travel for work which then got traded with Andrew having work travel three out of four weeks per month. This works for us. I know Andrew is happiest when he has these in-the-field work experiences. And I enjoy my alone time working on my own projects and social groups. When we have shared time together, we have a simple rhythm.

This lifestyle we have won't work for everyone or even be considered by many. But if you find yourself in a relationship situation where distance is a factor, communication and connection need to be addressed to thrive. Below are examples of discussions we have had – often using the Couple Dialogue process we learned through FCE. We have circled back to our agreements many times over the years.

Time Based Discussions

•  Is our distance situation time bound? What is the expectation if so? When Andrew was living in Indiana, we had an agreement that it would be a 2-year maximum situation, and we agreed to see one another 1 weekend per month. Now, we agree to have one week home per month, and we do not have a maximum duration for this situation.

Communication Discussions

• What are the communication expectations? How many phone calls, e-mails, texts, etc. are expected? For example, I expect a text message when someone has gotten to their destination, a minimum of a text every morning, and one phone call/zoom per week.

Physical Needs

• How will we finance additional travel needs? What costs can we estimate? Are there other financial considerations for these arrangements, (including travel points)? Andrew and I set up a budget and a shared account for travel where we contributed equally each paycheck. 

• How will time-off be utilized to make accommodations for visiting family, sick time, personal needs, and the relationship? Early in our careers, Andrew and I had each vacation day mapped out and agreed to – very much like a financial budget. Now, as most travel is work related, this is not a concern.

• What are agreements for emergency travel for support of the other person? In addition to family emergencies that may come up (we both have aging parents), we have agreed to be present in the event we need to make major financial decisions-such as purchasing a car. We expect to make travel arrangements if one of our pets needs end of life veterinary care, and to be prepared to offer in-person support if the other person's parent may have extreme health needs.

• Who's responsible for taking care of domestic matters (cleaning, cooking, yard work, repairs, etc.) This has changed drastically over time. We used to have our own responsibilities and didn't really get involved with each other's domestic tasks. Now, I try to take as much as possible to allow Andrew more time to rest when he is home. There is now discussion of hiring help to get some projects finished, or to help with domestic chores.

Emotional Needs

• How can we support each other's independent life? Both Andrew and I have hobbies that we like to support, and friendships we want to maintain and foster. We do check in with one another about these particular aspects of our lives frequently. We also focus on rest and our health – both of which can be compromised with a lot of travel.

• How can we nurture our relationship? Earlier in our relationship I struggled more with not having a marital commitment when dating at a distance. In this way, marriage became very reassuring that our relationship can flourish. Andrew and I have found a lot of fulfillment in being Friends Couple Enrichment leaders and have found we volunteer now more than ever. We also enjoy many exercises and resources from the Gottman Institute and like to highlight our common interests.

Reflecting back at what home means to us, we now have (and share) a physical house – an anchor to our lives. However, if Andrew or I wanted to relocate I don’t think the ties binding us to our house would be that strong. Our home is the place of safety and connection – even if we are hundreds of miles apart.