what is your bidding style
what is your bidding style
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by Kathy Richman
Imagine this:
You are looking out the window and notice that the fruit trees in the back yard are in bloom. You call out to your spouse, “Honey, come see this!”
Does your spouse come to share in the wonder of this moment or do they mumble while scrolling on their phone?
Or your partner walks in the door and says, “You won’t believe what happened at work today!” Do you ask about it or do you say, “Well, it can’t be as bad as what happened to me! My boss . .”
In each case, one partner is throwing out a “bid” for connection. The other partner is either “turning towards,” welcoming the interaction, or “turning away,” indicating lack of interest.
Dr. John Gottmann, a noted therapist and researcher on relationships, says that partners who respond to each other's bids are making deposits in their “emotional bank account,” and are much more likely to stay together for a long time than those who often turn away.
According to Gottmann, when we respond to biids for attention, affection, and support, the “bidder” hears:
“I’m interested in what you have to say.”
“I hear you.”
“I’m on your side.”
“I’d like to help.”
“I support you.”
How do you and your partner “bid” for connection? How does each of you respond? What bids are easier or harder to respond to and why? Now there's fodder for your next couple dialogue!
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