Countless times have Marsha and I heard from couples that the witness has been crucial in creating a safe, loving, and non-judgmental space so that they have resolved issues. The witness helps the dialoguing couple stay conscious of the dialogue discipline, creating soft bumpers if the dialoguing couple stray into everyday conversation mode or fall into other, less productive patterns of communication. So what is expected of the witness?

I have often related the practice of the witness to a form of spiritual practice common in Christian circles called Centering Prayer. Teachers of Centering Prayer stress the four "r's": 

Resist no thought
Retain no thought
React to no thought
Return ever so gently to the sacred word. 

As Friends we may practice this return in meeting for worship. Returning to center may be returning to a conscious thought such as a word, e.g. Love. I would suggest that returning to center as a witness has a second step and that is moving from the word to an embodied sense of open heart for the couple you are holding; of becoming a vessel for divine love to freely flow. 

Recently, I shared with our ongoing growth group the following meditation for those who were about to witness a dialogue: 

When you want to know the couple’s backstory, let it go; return to center.

When you want to relay a personal story, let it go; return to center.

When you want to offer advice, let it go; return to center.

When you find yourself judging a partner, let it go; return to center.

When you desire to fix what is unresolved, let it go; return to center.

When you experience discomfort with strong emotions, let it go; return to center.

When you desire to save the couple from themselves, let it go; return to center.

When you wish to know the end of the story, let it go; return to center.

Do not judge yourself for having these desires. Simply return back to your open heart. That is your role as a witness and it is a gift to the dialoguing couple in more ways than you may ever know.

Marsha and I often hear from couples that they are uncomfortable being a witness to something as intimate as another couple in dialogue. The sense of voyeur can be strong, particularly in a culture where we have been taught not to pry. But, as we know, this cultural wall against witnessing others can also be an excuse for all forms of abuse and in some cultures these abuses are codified into law. While I am not throwing the door wide open, I am suggesting that the gift of leaving the door ajar is reciprocal. For the dialoguing couple the witness holds a safe space for curiosity and exploration. For the witness the discipline of exercising and opening the heart creates a space of deep compassion.